I guess you really are, trouble. But, I guess I really am, stupid. Now that you have your future, and I'm out of your way, there's no way you have time to listen to such a fucking gay song. But when you do get the chance, remember the scent I left for you, and the page I wrote to you, and know it isn't bullshit...like you said.
This is frightening, you know? Fighting a sin all on my own. But, I'm a sinner.
Nothing but a fucking sinner.
Sincerely,
4:10.
Monday, April 12, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
I've gone "MIA".
It's spring break 2010; to be honest, I didn't even plan anything, as I usually do. This year I didn't make a big deal about it, and put those cheesy ass quotes on my Myspace, or on Twitter. Usually, I plan it...big. Usually, I think about the parties, the drugs, the nights, and the coffee shops throughout the day. This year, it began insane. With my usual weekend: lights, pills, techno, and dancing. Usually I would have done this every night of the entire break! This year, I'm speaking to no one, and seeing no one. I've gone what my peeps and I call "MIA"; Missing In Action. It's just a funnier way of saying, fuck you all, I need a break.
You see, whoever you are reading this, I feel so damn alone. I don't know why, I mean, I've dealt with worse knowing there would be less in the end. This time it's different. This time, it's not making anybody happy. It's as if, in the end I can have all I want, and more than I've ever had. But you see, whoever you are reading this, I prefer to have the bare minimum in the end, as long as this feeling cuts off; AS LONG AS I'M HAPPY.
What makes everything worse, is my sense of realism. In realism, happiness won't get me, anywhere anymore. Being happy won't get my mom a house, my sister a car, my college paid, or my brother's dream. Happiness should be everything, but it isn't...anymore.
I keep thinking, I can't do this...IT. When I want nobody anymore, I just want, myself back. Before I knew it all, before I knew everything.
I want the me who, spent hours searching for the latest indie tracks, the me who looked forward to traveling the world. I just want the me who didn't cry for months, back. And the me who found local events, flutes, and sunglasses exciting. I want that me, but, she's gone. Out into the sea, I love so much.
I've always said to myself, love comes from the sea. I'm a Five minute walk away from the sea this very second, then...where's the love? Shouldn't it be blowing towards me through the wind? Or, is it going the opposite direction tonight?
I think so..
You see, whoever you are reading this, I feel so damn alone. I don't know why, I mean, I've dealt with worse knowing there would be less in the end. This time it's different. This time, it's not making anybody happy. It's as if, in the end I can have all I want, and more than I've ever had. But you see, whoever you are reading this, I prefer to have the bare minimum in the end, as long as this feeling cuts off; AS LONG AS I'M HAPPY.
What makes everything worse, is my sense of realism. In realism, happiness won't get me, anywhere anymore. Being happy won't get my mom a house, my sister a car, my college paid, or my brother's dream. Happiness should be everything, but it isn't...anymore.
I keep thinking, I can't do this...IT. When I want nobody anymore, I just want, myself back. Before I knew it all, before I knew everything.
I want the me who, spent hours searching for the latest indie tracks, the me who looked forward to traveling the world. I just want the me who didn't cry for months, back. And the me who found local events, flutes, and sunglasses exciting. I want that me, but, she's gone. Out into the sea, I love so much.
I've always said to myself, love comes from the sea. I'm a Five minute walk away from the sea this very second, then...where's the love? Shouldn't it be blowing towards me through the wind? Or, is it going the opposite direction tonight?
I think so..
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