I LOVE, what MUSIC, does to me.

The music I listen to, soothe's me. The music I listen to, has saved me. The music I listen to, has made me, love.

One day, I'll be walking down the aisle to you, Sinatra.

By the way,

I've never felt so alone...

2 months, I haven't updated my life; not even in an actual journal. Does that mean my passion for writing has faded? No. I've just been living, what I thought was life.

I clearly remember saying, "this isn't just a lifestyle anymore, it's a passion". Now, why the fuck was I so proud? Sure, the music is a passion...but, that's all that should have been. It still excites me. The kick of the bass gives me a thrill, making my heart skip a beat. When I see someone with an armful of colorful beads, I feel as if I've seen a long lost relative; I'm overjoyed. So, what's wrong? With dancing the night away, and shuffling with your friends. What's wrong with, giving a few light shows, and receiving hugs for them? Just a few blunts, some MDMA, and a bit of LSD...right?

I find myself seeing my friends harming themselves, and me contributing to it. Seeing my best friend, go on the worst "trip" of her life...in reality, scared me. I remember, laughing, and laughing, but that was the Purple Dolphin playing its part.

I remember, I was in a Honda going Fifteen minutes out into the desert; 1000 Palms Cali. On the way there, the introduction to this life, this addiction, was recited to me. "After this night, you'll never see life the same again; everything will be in a whole different, perspective. Forget spending your weekends at the movies, and forget having time for a relationship who isn't in this with you; that'll never exist again. Forget all of the depression, and forget all of the fights, you're living the PLUR life now. And forget all of the blunts, and the different types of buds, it's called MDMA". It's true, you're never the same again; I'm toxic.

This, "passion", isn't passion at all. It's kind of like, love compared to lust. That's exactly what it is. But, even when people are in lust, they sink, and enjoy it...right?


When someone that's worth it comes into your life, you just...know. No explanations, no if's, and's, or but's; you just know. And when that someone can see the lust in your eyes, for such a life, of course they're going to leave; I'm an idiot.

There's always that someone. Whether they've been in your life for Five years, Five months, Five weeks, or Five minutes, it doesn't matter. In the end, they're still that someone. Only that someone, can keep you waiting. Only they can say, fuck the lust, I finally want...love.

I was once made up of coffee shops, flannels, messy updo's, journals, and indie music; I thought I'd never change. In the snap of a finger, my arms were filled with colorful beads, my weekends were sleepless, I danced and danced, dressed up in costumes with few material, and loved the fuzzy lights MDMA made me see; not to mention, every song on shuffle, had the sound of a bass.

What happens now? Now that, that someone, opened my eyes without even trying? What happens now? Now that, for the First time in Six months someone said no, you're not what you should have been?

I'll tell you what happens...

Dear Trouble,

I guess you really are, trouble. But, I guess I really am, stupid. Now that you have your future, and I'm out of your way, there's no way you have time to listen to such a fucking gay song. But when you do get the chance, remember the scent I left for you, and the page I wrote to you, and know it isn't bullshit...like you said.

This is frightening, you know? Fighting a sin all on my own. But, I'm a sinner.

Nothing but a fucking sinner.

Sincerely,

4:10.

I've gone "MIA".

It's spring break 2010; to be honest, I didn't even plan anything, as I usually do. This year I didn't make a big deal about it, and put those cheesy ass quotes on my Myspace, or on Twitter. Usually, I plan it...big. Usually, I think about the parties, the drugs, the nights, and the coffee shops throughout the day. This year, it began insane. With my usual weekend: lights, pills, techno, and dancing. Usually I would have done this every night of the entire break! This year, I'm speaking to no one, and seeing no one. I've gone what my peeps and I call "MIA"; Missing In Action. It's just a funnier way of saying, fuck you all, I need a break.

You see, whoever you are reading this, I feel so damn alone. I don't know why, I mean, I've dealt with worse knowing there would be less in the end. This time it's different. This time, it's not making anybody happy. It's as if, in the end I can have all I want, and more than I've ever had. But you see, whoever you are reading this, I prefer to have the bare minimum in the end, as long as this feeling cuts off; AS LONG AS I'M HAPPY.

What makes everything worse, is my sense of realism. In realism, happiness won't get me, anywhere anymore. Being happy won't get my mom a house, my sister a car, my college paid, or my brother's dream. Happiness should be everything, but it isn't...anymore.

I keep thinking, I can't do this...IT. When I want nobody anymore, I just want, myself back. Before I knew it all, before I knew everything.

I want the me who, spent hours searching for the latest indie tracks, the me who looked forward to traveling the world. I just want the me who didn't cry for months, back. And the me who found local events, flutes, and sunglasses exciting. I want that me, but, she's gone. Out into the sea, I love so much.

I've always said to myself, love comes from the sea. I'm a Five minute walk away from the sea this very second, then...where's the love? Shouldn't it be blowing towards me through the wind? Or, is it going the opposite direction tonight?

I think so..

i carved your name as neat as i could on myself, so it would match your BEAUTY.

Dear you,

My sin,

I now adore you, more than ever. When I should hate you, more than ever. My sweet, sweet sin, why did you fool me? Why? Is it, because you know I'm still here? Or is it because, you don't see, you are my life?

I was always taught, to delete your sins. But this sin, is one filled with more joy, than the one's I was taught.

This sin, keeps me here.

you damn secret.