I lived in a box.

I'm listening to it, you asshole! You're not mine anymore; fuck you.

I think it's time I change for myself, for about the billionth time, but I can't wait around for everyone else to change.

You're fucking her, let it go. Shit happened, let it go.

Maybe when the moon is Blue again, I'll cry over you.

FOCUS.

That box in the corner.

This weather is what I want to live in.

This music is what I want sorrounding me.

This...

I survived.

2 days ago was the deadly celebration of 2 years of love. You were the first one I saw that morning, I looked at you, and thanked God for having you with me before. I yelled at myself for ruining that love.

Everything, everywhere that day reminded me, "We were there". So, I laughed.

That night, we would have celebrated your time on the spot, while I got to photograph you; I went the other way, so you won't see my shameful face. Speaking to your parents made me feel family again; So, I laughed.

The night was over, I celebrated with my best of friends, and slept.



That was 2 nights ago.


Last night, was the time of my life...without you. You were there, but not with me. Music hypnotized me, dancing every second of the night, thinking "you were there." Meeting your eyes for 2 seconds was the highlight of it all; How pathetic.


I slept like never before; I survived the days I dreaded.

"fake empire"

I look at you, and I want to smile, but I feel like if...you have forgotten my voice.

You pity me.

Dear God, when will I be able to forgive myself, not long, not write about this?

I go back to memories, just to torture myself, I play music about us and put the songs on repeat, just to keep on torturing myself; anything, any pain, as much as it takes, to remember the lips I have not met 9 months! 9 fucking months. And each day, I would do more and more, to have you back.

Even if it means, living in what you said, a fake empire, until I replace you.

Courage.

that's it! Before I completely crack, I need to come clean; I will come clean.

Step 1:
come clean to God. Without my savior, my courage will fade.

Step 2:
come clean to friends. I need to stop the rumors! As stupid as they may be, and say the truth.

Step 3:
come clean with "love", or lust. I'm going to be real now, no more.

Step 4:
I know I've said this many times, but it's time to come clean with myself. I need to learn how to be myself; I need honesty again.

time to begin.

"it's ok, don't feel any different about him"

You love me?

............

(Unfinished)

Dear best friend,

You remember on October 23rd, 2007, I said "I found him?" Do you remember me saying, "I'm telling you best friend! I am not letting him down." I dearly apologize for ignoring you since then. After it all, I am running back go you as you said. May I tell you best friend? All I need are a few minutes, I need you to listen to all I had, and all that I ruined, while you were gone. Then, you can just walk away if you'd like, and erase me from your list.

September 4th, 2007, I clearly remember going to school thinking "this year will be different." My friends in the morning were the same as freshman year; loud, loud, and loud. They knew everything on my mind best friend, but they were still laughing. I could not keep you off my mind for what felt like the rest of the year, but it was just for that split second; You were ruining my promise to change.




cont.

"I never said ' thank you' for that.."

So here is the deal, you knew who you were to me; You don't know who you are to me now.

I'm under the same sky as you are, even if you are inside; I know we are feeling the same feeling, even if it is not towards each other.

You wore this Gray & White Ralph Lauren, you even wanted to keep it! I bet you hate it now, dont you?

WHY DO I KEEP WRITTING ABOUT YOU?! WHY DO I KEEP WANTING TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT YOU?!

Its been 7 months, since February 16th, I don't know how to end this, it'll be a waste of time.

it's a fucking show.

may I have a standing ovation please?


anyone?