I need as I read in that book, "the monster"

how horrible

Tell me

Things will work and change? Reassure me

I feel...happy

Friendships just grow on you.

Line Break!

*I know I haven't finished the rest of my qualities, but it's something everyone should think about.

I have a friend who is number Three of my class, who for the record I have nothing against. I may not know what it is like to be anywhere near the top Ten of my class, by I know what a different type of accomplishment feels like.

I don't know my friends life, and I don't know what it was like, but I do know what mine has been.

Tell me, what feeling seems better to you? The feeling of graduating in white because you did it all perfectly? You did community service and sleepless nights of studying.

OR,

hearing "you're not going to graduate" and sleepless nights of drugs and yelling, and the feelings of graduating after it all?

Should I feel as if I've achieved nothing because I'm not in White? or did I do enough?

The first 50

I'm not the girl who revolves her world around her misery.1
I'm not the girl who says "I don't care", and means it.2
I'm not the girl who can make education her life.3
I'm not the girl who is scared to ever love.4
I'm not the girl who "lives for the moment".5
I'm not the girl who can do something JUST for herself.6
I'm not the girl with patience.7
I'm not the girl with lady like manners.8
I'm not the girl with the perfect body.9
I'm not the girl who can just, start conversations.10
I'm not the girl who can let go easily.11
I'm the girl who has to cry for every sad, happy, or angry moment.12
I'm not the girl who lives for the weekends.13
I'm the girl who likes solitude.14
I'm not the girl you can brainwash.15
I'm not the girl with the trust issues.16
I'm not the girl I want to be.17
I'm not the girl with the best memories.
I'm the girl with the best friends.
I'm the girl who can't be told more than once.20
I'm not the girl who learns fast.21
I'm the girl with the classical music.22
I'm the girl who stays up at night, for someone.23
I'm the girl secretly in love with instruments.24
I'm the girl they come to hate.
I'm the girl who gets used.26
I'm the girl who uses people.27
I'm the girl who critizices.28
I'm the girl who won't physically fight.29
I'm the girl who needs the most attention.30
I'm the girl scared to stand out.
I'm the girl who doesn't go a second without thinking of something negative.
I'm the girl who can't change, JUST because someone said so.
I'm the girl with the lowest self-esteem.
I'm the girl who wants to be noticed.35
I'm the girl who loves talking about herself, for hours.36
I'm the girl who can't stand where she lives.
I'm the girl, with the most impossible dreams.38
I'm not the girl who thinks "ANYTHING is possible."
I'm the girl who lies.
I'm the girl who doesn't care if she offends you.41
I'm the girl who can't give advice.
I'm the girl who can listen for hours, without knowing what to say.43
I'm the girl who reminisces.44
I'm the girl with the hatred towards alcohol.
I'm the girl you ask, "what is she doing here?"46
I'm the girl who fucked up.47
I'm the girl who has changed at the snap of a finger.
I'm the girl with the bad luck.49
I'm the girl who puts faith in a horoscope.50

Just a glimpse

I know I've been talking about, "my senior year this, my senior year that", but it's not going to stop until I graduate. After being embarassed on Friday in front of my boyfriend of less than 2 weeks, I had my last tournament for Marching Band and Colorguard yesterday. We did the usual, well, of course the seniors added a twist to it. We continued our prank with the seniors being "mad", and not showing up. The underclassmen fell for it! And were certainly surprised when they saw us.

After this, it was back to normal. We went to stretch, warm-up, and got in formation for our field show.

I can imagine the feeling the seniors who had been in there for 4 years, and some sticking with their instruments for 6 years felt. It was my first year of marching with the band as colorguard captain, but I had this feeling. This feeling of, "oh shit! This is it. No more waking up early on Saturdays and having 16 hour days. No more." Even though we didn't win anything, and I cried, I was so damn proud.

After we made our speeches during dinner, and after seeing my "little sister" cry for me, I was encouraged to take on winter guard AND concert band as a flute player once again. That glimpse of what I'll be feeling towards the end of the year disappeared, but there's nothing more encouraging in the world.

What do you think?

Will they catch on?

I think I'm good at acting

Division.

Feelings: I feel, like crap. I just came back from a tournament and my head is killing me, I caught a cold, and I can't seem to sleep. On the bright side, I am proud of placing second. Oh crap, I can't stop sneezing.

Status: I'm not single anymore. You see, there's this guy, and what I see about him so far is great! I hear he's funny too. Maybe I don't know everything about him, but there's this feeling there. I'll see if this goes somewhere.

My senior year continues to be crazy!

The 6th & 7th

November has been hectic. My schedule is hectic, deadlines are hectic, and so is my heart.

On Friday, I tried something new. Damn anemia isn't going to let me go through, is it? After, it was colorguard time. Colorguard: my recent passion.

We went thinking it was just another loss, as my heart went thinking of its own subject. We ended up winning, and my heart was able to sleep. Gotta' love high school.

On Saturday, can you say wake-up call? Since 7 AM, I was thinking, "We're going to be recognized." We weren't. Did I mention my heart wasn't so well either?

Damn.