I guess this is just another desperate call for help. This is just another desperate call for someone to listen, not for someone who's only going to try and fucking guide me. This is my last, desperate call, for something real. Without any questions.

I can't even begin, from where I left off.

I need more time.

AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN AGAIN

Dear you, dear everyone!

LET ME LIVE THE WAY I WANT TO FUCKING LIVE!

NONE! Of you motherFUCKERS control me NOW!

I've waited too long.

When we have our First, real argument with our parents, well say think, "I can't wait to be 18, to get the hell out of here!". We feel it's so easy, and figure all we have to do is graduate, get a job, move out, and we'll never have to hear it from our parents again.

I got the chance to move out of my mom's house a bit younger. At 16 years old, I moved in with my half-sister, and her parents I didn't know. The situation wasn't as easy as it sounds, and I still had to hear it from my mom, no matter how many miles apart we were. It's not always, how we think it out to be.

I've always felt, blackmailed. I always had someone around to tell me if it wasn't his way, my mom would find everything out; all of the parties, the drugs, and the rumors. I was always too afraid, and I've always known it was sometimes for my benefit, but not this time. I've waited way too fucking long.

I had things thrown my way; things I'll never forget, and some others that are just, foolish. But now, I've overcome something big for everybody. Wether you're a child, a teenager, or an adult, it's the same amount of difficulty. Having to tell your mom you're using drugs, isn't easy. Even if she was the one to drag me out of her life, she was also the one who sacrificed anything to keep me alive. Even if she did always keep me alive lower than her husband, or my brother, there's still for once guilt in me, for letting her down.

I fell in love with this, world in December. Not necessarily the world of drugs, but another just as deadly. This is a, perfect world for me. It's something beautiful, to me. The drugs have just, always made it prettier. The extra's are nice, but this world, there's no way in hell I'd let it go. Not now, not soon.

"Dear mom,

You don't like my world, my friends, or my nights, because all you know about it are drugs. You don't know what its done to me, what I feel when I meet a new...family member, or the way my heart races whenever I hear bass, whenever I see lights. I love you, and I'm more than willing to quit the drugs. But, there's no way in fucking hell, I'm quitting my world. Not now, not soon.

Sincerely,
your daughter."

From something, to nothing.

I have been known as one of the worst cases of jealousy throughout these few years to my friends, and ex's. Jealousy usually says, you're insecure, and frightened. And that's exactly what I was. This time, it's a different type of jealousy. A jealousy I actually have a reason for. A type of jealousy that, I've been fighting to prevent from turning to hate.

I've had it.

I'd rather drop this ball of jealousy now, than to ever hate you. I'd rather drop this ball of jealousy, because I know you're still behind that mask of lust; I just saw you, no more than Ten days ago.

My friend, I've taught you love blinds you, but dear, it doesn't make you an idiot; you make yourself that.

Since day One, you've meant the world to me. How could you not? You're my best friend.

You see, my goal has been to save you. Clearly, I can't save you while you're in love. Excuse me, lust.

Back to the jealousy, I have for the lust you share with her. But, because she's the closest thing you've known to your so called love, she's everything.

I'm done, trying to save you.

Hello July!

I started this month, sick as hell. Tonsillitis is a bitch. Not having the energy to do much, leaves me with more time to think.

I came to, a conclusion. Well...sort of.

I always seem to get excited, when I find a "special" someone. You know, we introduce ourselves, we talk, see the things we have in common, hang out, and soon become their "special" someone as well. Everything is fun, and I'm the type of person that leads people on; I always fool myself into thinking "this is what I want, he/she are all I want". It's fucked up, because when I notice I'm becoming their "special" someone, I want nothing to do with them.

Suddenly, I question, what the hell are teenage relationships good for? They all end in a break-up. All they do is, control my life; try and tell me what I can and cannot do, interfere with my schedule, and with my lifestyle.

Suddenly, I want to be alone.

I really don't, understand myself. I complain and complain about this, life, but yet I continue.

Today, was One of those mornings. The one's I feel as if, my brain has gone missing; "frying". I hate these mornings, but even so, I feel as if the memories the night before were worth it.

I think what confuses me the most is, I actually like what these pills do to me a couple of days after. They make me feel like my old self in a way. I'm more, clear with myself. I get this feeling similar to motivation, but it has to be stronger; it has to be. Something that, tells me I can be both. Something that tells me, I can be 'that girl', and 'this girl', you just gotta' cut down of the foolishness a bit.

I think trying to explain what these pills do to me a couple of days after, is as impossible as it gets.

But, I like it...