I've waited too long.

When we have our First, real argument with our parents, well say think, "I can't wait to be 18, to get the hell out of here!". We feel it's so easy, and figure all we have to do is graduate, get a job, move out, and we'll never have to hear it from our parents again.

I got the chance to move out of my mom's house a bit younger. At 16 years old, I moved in with my half-sister, and her parents I didn't know. The situation wasn't as easy as it sounds, and I still had to hear it from my mom, no matter how many miles apart we were. It's not always, how we think it out to be.

I've always felt, blackmailed. I always had someone around to tell me if it wasn't his way, my mom would find everything out; all of the parties, the drugs, and the rumors. I was always too afraid, and I've always known it was sometimes for my benefit, but not this time. I've waited way too fucking long.

I had things thrown my way; things I'll never forget, and some others that are just, foolish. But now, I've overcome something big for everybody. Wether you're a child, a teenager, or an adult, it's the same amount of difficulty. Having to tell your mom you're using drugs, isn't easy. Even if she was the one to drag me out of her life, she was also the one who sacrificed anything to keep me alive. Even if she did always keep me alive lower than her husband, or my brother, there's still for once guilt in me, for letting her down.

I fell in love with this, world in December. Not necessarily the world of drugs, but another just as deadly. This is a, perfect world for me. It's something beautiful, to me. The drugs have just, always made it prettier. The extra's are nice, but this world, there's no way in hell I'd let it go. Not now, not soon.

"Dear mom,

You don't like my world, my friends, or my nights, because all you know about it are drugs. You don't know what its done to me, what I feel when I meet a new...family member, or the way my heart races whenever I hear bass, whenever I see lights. I love you, and I'm more than willing to quit the drugs. But, there's no way in fucking hell, I'm quitting my world. Not now, not soon.

Sincerely,
your daughter."

From something, to nothing.

I have been known as one of the worst cases of jealousy throughout these few years to my friends, and ex's. Jealousy usually says, you're insecure, and frightened. And that's exactly what I was. This time, it's a different type of jealousy. A jealousy I actually have a reason for. A type of jealousy that, I've been fighting to prevent from turning to hate.

I've had it.

I'd rather drop this ball of jealousy now, than to ever hate you. I'd rather drop this ball of jealousy, because I know you're still behind that mask of lust; I just saw you, no more than Ten days ago.

My friend, I've taught you love blinds you, but dear, it doesn't make you an idiot; you make yourself that.

Since day One, you've meant the world to me. How could you not? You're my best friend.

You see, my goal has been to save you. Clearly, I can't save you while you're in love. Excuse me, lust.

Back to the jealousy, I have for the lust you share with her. But, because she's the closest thing you've known to your so called love, she's everything.

I'm done, trying to save you.

Hello July!

I started this month, sick as hell. Tonsillitis is a bitch. Not having the energy to do much, leaves me with more time to think.

I came to, a conclusion. Well...sort of.

I always seem to get excited, when I find a "special" someone. You know, we introduce ourselves, we talk, see the things we have in common, hang out, and soon become their "special" someone as well. Everything is fun, and I'm the type of person that leads people on; I always fool myself into thinking "this is what I want, he/she are all I want". It's fucked up, because when I notice I'm becoming their "special" someone, I want nothing to do with them.

Suddenly, I question, what the hell are teenage relationships good for? They all end in a break-up. All they do is, control my life; try and tell me what I can and cannot do, interfere with my schedule, and with my lifestyle.

Suddenly, I want to be alone.

I really don't, understand myself. I complain and complain about this, life, but yet I continue.

Today, was One of those mornings. The one's I feel as if, my brain has gone missing; "frying". I hate these mornings, but even so, I feel as if the memories the night before were worth it.

I think what confuses me the most is, I actually like what these pills do to me a couple of days after. They make me feel like my old self in a way. I'm more, clear with myself. I get this feeling similar to motivation, but it has to be stronger; it has to be. Something that, tells me I can be both. Something that tells me, I can be 'that girl', and 'this girl', you just gotta' cut down of the foolishness a bit.

I think trying to explain what these pills do to me a couple of days after, is as impossible as it gets.

But, I like it...

I LOVE, what MUSIC, does to me.

The music I listen to, soothe's me. The music I listen to, has saved me. The music I listen to, has made me, love.

One day, I'll be walking down the aisle to you, Sinatra.

By the way,

I've never felt so alone...

2 months, I haven't updated my life; not even in an actual journal. Does that mean my passion for writing has faded? No. I've just been living, what I thought was life.

I clearly remember saying, "this isn't just a lifestyle anymore, it's a passion". Now, why the fuck was I so proud? Sure, the music is a passion...but, that's all that should have been. It still excites me. The kick of the bass gives me a thrill, making my heart skip a beat. When I see someone with an armful of colorful beads, I feel as if I've seen a long lost relative; I'm overjoyed. So, what's wrong? With dancing the night away, and shuffling with your friends. What's wrong with, giving a few light shows, and receiving hugs for them? Just a few blunts, some MDMA, and a bit of LSD...right?

I find myself seeing my friends harming themselves, and me contributing to it. Seeing my best friend, go on the worst "trip" of her life...in reality, scared me. I remember, laughing, and laughing, but that was the Purple Dolphin playing its part.

I remember, I was in a Honda going Fifteen minutes out into the desert; 1000 Palms Cali. On the way there, the introduction to this life, this addiction, was recited to me. "After this night, you'll never see life the same again; everything will be in a whole different, perspective. Forget spending your weekends at the movies, and forget having time for a relationship who isn't in this with you; that'll never exist again. Forget all of the depression, and forget all of the fights, you're living the PLUR life now. And forget all of the blunts, and the different types of buds, it's called MDMA". It's true, you're never the same again; I'm toxic.

This, "passion", isn't passion at all. It's kind of like, love compared to lust. That's exactly what it is. But, even when people are in lust, they sink, and enjoy it...right?


When someone that's worth it comes into your life, you just...know. No explanations, no if's, and's, or but's; you just know. And when that someone can see the lust in your eyes, for such a life, of course they're going to leave; I'm an idiot.

There's always that someone. Whether they've been in your life for Five years, Five months, Five weeks, or Five minutes, it doesn't matter. In the end, they're still that someone. Only that someone, can keep you waiting. Only they can say, fuck the lust, I finally want...love.

I was once made up of coffee shops, flannels, messy updo's, journals, and indie music; I thought I'd never change. In the snap of a finger, my arms were filled with colorful beads, my weekends were sleepless, I danced and danced, dressed up in costumes with few material, and loved the fuzzy lights MDMA made me see; not to mention, every song on shuffle, had the sound of a bass.

What happens now? Now that, that someone, opened my eyes without even trying? What happens now? Now that, for the First time in Six months someone said no, you're not what you should have been?

I'll tell you what happens...