2009.

I clearly remember midnight of January 1st, 2009. I was with you, Tony Noriega. That's when I thought I had you forever, that's when I was sure that you were my future.

Until February 16th, my heart was complete. He threw it to raw. I clearly remember feeling weak, and not saying ONE word to anyone; I swore I'd never smile again. I clearly remember not going to class, and going to Mrs. Ruiz's instead, and she'd understand. I remember the Black under my eyes, the panic attacks, and torturing myself with that damn song. I WON'T lie, I STILL can't listen to that damn song, not for love, but disgrace.

I remember you, Ivett, and I won't lie. I remember being lonely, and going to the first person who showed they care; that was you. I wen't in it for the wrong reasons, but you helped. With you, I talked. With you, I actually...smiled. With you, the date 10/23/07 was erased from my mind.

I clearly remember the beginning of senior year, September. I was already feeling the excitment in the air, and the pride of my class! That was such an overwhelming month, so I broke my love; Rudy.

Robert and Sam, they meant something, but NOTHING compared to the one I belong to now, again.

2009 was, amazing. The year that really DID flip my life around. The year that had it all.

2010, I expect great things. Every year, its been my secret personal traditions to cry, just, cry. This year, it'll be my tradition to be someone unrecognizable.

Graduation, work, college, driving, family, friends, Rudy, change.

I can't wait; I promise.

To hell with the wrong, I'm taking in the right.

It's almost time.

Christmas is over, New Years is right around the corner.

It's time to say I think it's fucking annoying, that you're everywhere.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I hate you.
I sware I fucking HATE you.

& I have to live with seeing you, communicating with you, for the sake of a damn dimploma.

I sware, I fucking hate you.
Yes, you.

Keep calling me an idiot

Again, I continue to be in love.

In love with something I killed a couple of months ago.

I won't say a word. I'm done messing with your feelings.

I'd rather swallow mine.

you've never seen any woman like this, you've never met anyone as happy as this

!

Call me an idiot.

I knew, I knew I shouldn't have seen you today.

Now, I continue to be in love,

in love with something I killed months ago.

I just...smile

That song, I can listen to it without grief.

This is unbelieveable.

Wake-up call!

I just noticed how fast this is going. How fast my friends are growing up, people I've known for more than half of my life. Especially, how fast I have to grow up.

Life has presented me a new choice. One that has been offered, but I was too behind. One that has been my dream for 4 years. New York City. I imagine myself as an 18 year old in the big city. My dream. My someday future either way.

The only thing standing in my way is, my career. I'm...lost. Unexplainably lost. I'm sure I'll find something to do, but an 18 year old in the big city, wow. I may sound like a sort loser because I'll be living with my mom either way, but that's all I'll have. Something that has let me down too much before. Where will I run to now?





My friends. Mari, how will I know you're safe in the military?
Michelle, how will I ever hear from you?
Denise, how will I ever see you?

So, what do I do?

I have choices.

I'm back to day 1.

Lonliness...kills. Crying doesn't cure. Happiness doesn't happen. Hope doesn't fade.

People leave, but the ones forced (noticed how I said forced) to remain want to know what's going on.

I won't say a word; I don't even know what's going on.

I'm in desperate (notice how I said desperate) need of help.

God..I'm sorry

I need as I read in that book, "the monster"

how horrible

Tell me

Things will work and change? Reassure me

I feel...happy

Friendships just grow on you.

Line Break!

*I know I haven't finished the rest of my qualities, but it's something everyone should think about.

I have a friend who is number Three of my class, who for the record I have nothing against. I may not know what it is like to be anywhere near the top Ten of my class, by I know what a different type of accomplishment feels like.

I don't know my friends life, and I don't know what it was like, but I do know what mine has been.

Tell me, what feeling seems better to you? The feeling of graduating in white because you did it all perfectly? You did community service and sleepless nights of studying.

OR,

hearing "you're not going to graduate" and sleepless nights of drugs and yelling, and the feelings of graduating after it all?

Should I feel as if I've achieved nothing because I'm not in White? or did I do enough?

The first 50

I'm not the girl who revolves her world around her misery.1
I'm not the girl who says "I don't care", and means it.2
I'm not the girl who can make education her life.3
I'm not the girl who is scared to ever love.4
I'm not the girl who "lives for the moment".5
I'm not the girl who can do something JUST for herself.6
I'm not the girl with patience.7
I'm not the girl with lady like manners.8
I'm not the girl with the perfect body.9
I'm not the girl who can just, start conversations.10
I'm not the girl who can let go easily.11
I'm the girl who has to cry for every sad, happy, or angry moment.12
I'm not the girl who lives for the weekends.13
I'm the girl who likes solitude.14
I'm not the girl you can brainwash.15
I'm not the girl with the trust issues.16
I'm not the girl I want to be.17
I'm not the girl with the best memories.
I'm the girl with the best friends.
I'm the girl who can't be told more than once.20
I'm not the girl who learns fast.21
I'm the girl with the classical music.22
I'm the girl who stays up at night, for someone.23
I'm the girl secretly in love with instruments.24
I'm the girl they come to hate.
I'm the girl who gets used.26
I'm the girl who uses people.27
I'm the girl who critizices.28
I'm the girl who won't physically fight.29
I'm the girl who needs the most attention.30
I'm the girl scared to stand out.
I'm the girl who doesn't go a second without thinking of something negative.
I'm the girl who can't change, JUST because someone said so.
I'm the girl with the lowest self-esteem.
I'm the girl who wants to be noticed.35
I'm the girl who loves talking about herself, for hours.36
I'm the girl who can't stand where she lives.
I'm the girl, with the most impossible dreams.38
I'm not the girl who thinks "ANYTHING is possible."
I'm the girl who lies.
I'm the girl who doesn't care if she offends you.41
I'm the girl who can't give advice.
I'm the girl who can listen for hours, without knowing what to say.43
I'm the girl who reminisces.44
I'm the girl with the hatred towards alcohol.
I'm the girl you ask, "what is she doing here?"46
I'm the girl who fucked up.47
I'm the girl who has changed at the snap of a finger.
I'm the girl with the bad luck.49
I'm the girl who puts faith in a horoscope.50

Just a glimpse

I know I've been talking about, "my senior year this, my senior year that", but it's not going to stop until I graduate. After being embarassed on Friday in front of my boyfriend of less than 2 weeks, I had my last tournament for Marching Band and Colorguard yesterday. We did the usual, well, of course the seniors added a twist to it. We continued our prank with the seniors being "mad", and not showing up. The underclassmen fell for it! And were certainly surprised when they saw us.

After this, it was back to normal. We went to stretch, warm-up, and got in formation for our field show.

I can imagine the feeling the seniors who had been in there for 4 years, and some sticking with their instruments for 6 years felt. It was my first year of marching with the band as colorguard captain, but I had this feeling. This feeling of, "oh shit! This is it. No more waking up early on Saturdays and having 16 hour days. No more." Even though we didn't win anything, and I cried, I was so damn proud.

After we made our speeches during dinner, and after seeing my "little sister" cry for me, I was encouraged to take on winter guard AND concert band as a flute player once again. That glimpse of what I'll be feeling towards the end of the year disappeared, but there's nothing more encouraging in the world.

What do you think?

Will they catch on?

I think I'm good at acting

Division.

Feelings: I feel, like crap. I just came back from a tournament and my head is killing me, I caught a cold, and I can't seem to sleep. On the bright side, I am proud of placing second. Oh crap, I can't stop sneezing.

Status: I'm not single anymore. You see, there's this guy, and what I see about him so far is great! I hear he's funny too. Maybe I don't know everything about him, but there's this feeling there. I'll see if this goes somewhere.

My senior year continues to be crazy!

The 6th & 7th

November has been hectic. My schedule is hectic, deadlines are hectic, and so is my heart.

On Friday, I tried something new. Damn anemia isn't going to let me go through, is it? After, it was colorguard time. Colorguard: my recent passion.

We went thinking it was just another loss, as my heart went thinking of its own subject. We ended up winning, and my heart was able to sleep. Gotta' love high school.

On Saturday, can you say wake-up call? Since 7 AM, I was thinking, "We're going to be recognized." We weren't. Did I mention my heart wasn't so well either?

Damn.

I lived in a box.

I'm listening to it, you asshole! You're not mine anymore; fuck you.

I think it's time I change for myself, for about the billionth time, but I can't wait around for everyone else to change.

You're fucking her, let it go. Shit happened, let it go.

Maybe when the moon is Blue again, I'll cry over you.

FOCUS.

That box in the corner.

This weather is what I want to live in.

This music is what I want sorrounding me.

This...

I survived.

2 days ago was the deadly celebration of 2 years of love. You were the first one I saw that morning, I looked at you, and thanked God for having you with me before. I yelled at myself for ruining that love.

Everything, everywhere that day reminded me, "We were there". So, I laughed.

That night, we would have celebrated your time on the spot, while I got to photograph you; I went the other way, so you won't see my shameful face. Speaking to your parents made me feel family again; So, I laughed.

The night was over, I celebrated with my best of friends, and slept.



That was 2 nights ago.


Last night, was the time of my life...without you. You were there, but not with me. Music hypnotized me, dancing every second of the night, thinking "you were there." Meeting your eyes for 2 seconds was the highlight of it all; How pathetic.


I slept like never before; I survived the days I dreaded.

"fake empire"

I look at you, and I want to smile, but I feel like if...you have forgotten my voice.

You pity me.

Dear God, when will I be able to forgive myself, not long, not write about this?

I go back to memories, just to torture myself, I play music about us and put the songs on repeat, just to keep on torturing myself; anything, any pain, as much as it takes, to remember the lips I have not met 9 months! 9 fucking months. And each day, I would do more and more, to have you back.

Even if it means, living in what you said, a fake empire, until I replace you.

Courage.

that's it! Before I completely crack, I need to come clean; I will come clean.

Step 1:
come clean to God. Without my savior, my courage will fade.

Step 2:
come clean to friends. I need to stop the rumors! As stupid as they may be, and say the truth.

Step 3:
come clean with "love", or lust. I'm going to be real now, no more.

Step 4:
I know I've said this many times, but it's time to come clean with myself. I need to learn how to be myself; I need honesty again.

time to begin.

"it's ok, don't feel any different about him"

You love me?

............

(Unfinished)

Dear best friend,

You remember on October 23rd, 2007, I said "I found him?" Do you remember me saying, "I'm telling you best friend! I am not letting him down." I dearly apologize for ignoring you since then. After it all, I am running back go you as you said. May I tell you best friend? All I need are a few minutes, I need you to listen to all I had, and all that I ruined, while you were gone. Then, you can just walk away if you'd like, and erase me from your list.

September 4th, 2007, I clearly remember going to school thinking "this year will be different." My friends in the morning were the same as freshman year; loud, loud, and loud. They knew everything on my mind best friend, but they were still laughing. I could not keep you off my mind for what felt like the rest of the year, but it was just for that split second; You were ruining my promise to change.




cont.

"I never said ' thank you' for that.."

So here is the deal, you knew who you were to me; You don't know who you are to me now.

I'm under the same sky as you are, even if you are inside; I know we are feeling the same feeling, even if it is not towards each other.

You wore this Gray & White Ralph Lauren, you even wanted to keep it! I bet you hate it now, dont you?

WHY DO I KEEP WRITTING ABOUT YOU?! WHY DO I KEEP WANTING TO KEEP TALKING ABOUT YOU?!

Its been 7 months, since February 16th, I don't know how to end this, it'll be a waste of time.

it's a fucking show.

may I have a standing ovation please?


anyone?

Little black phone, you were magic.

I remember you this way. The you I had, the you I broke.

"I had met her in my fourth period World Cultures class with Mr. Lopez. She sat four rows across from me, and I couldn’t help but not look at her because she was pretty to me. Then we had started to talk and it started out slow like any new friendship would. I said, “Hi” she said it back, and then we started to hug and then have little conversations, and then I knew at that point that I liked her and I would have really liked for her to be my girlfriend. Luckily she said yes and I was somewhat happy. I wanted know everything about her and I soon found out that she didn’t have the greatest childhood, but somehow I managed to help and her and she did the same for me. She had made me so happy and I knew she would never disappoint."


Remember me?

Quiet.

I'm happy do not get me wrong, but I feel quiet. Everything is going right as of now, I wouldn't ask for it to be better, & surely not worse.

So then, why do I feel quiet?

New idea!

I think I'll begin writting my "unpublished book" now. I will, and I have to finish it by my birthday in March.

I wonder if Mr.102307 will get a hold of it somehow? It would be the point..

9:55 PM

Okay, so I have been thinking lately & I think I am back to stage #2.

I was so sure on being a journalist, & then other things come to mind: Culinary, wedding planning, broadcasting.

It is pretty stressful, but it could be worse I suppose. I could be 30 & undecided, but I'm just impatient.

So far, I am leaning more towards culinary at the moment. I just need to figure out how to get the money for the Art Institute of Los Angeles. If not, then I suppose I will go with plan B.

Putting that aside, I'm doing great! & I love it.

Amour

Its been a while.

I'M H A P P Y !
as of now, & I don't want it to go away.

I won't let it.

Its been a while.

I haven't really "blogged" in a while, but this time it wasen't out of sadness of any sort.

This time, it was actually because I felt happy, & I had things to do, things to plan.

Today was my First day of school, & it was great! I honestly feel an amazing year coming my way; perfect timing because this will be my last.

I know I can do this

today:

I tried learning how to ride a bike.

failed.

I'll continue tomorrow..

postsecret

my gallery

There are so many things I wish to just, simply say. I don't expect you, or anyone else for that matter to say anything back, but I just want you to know. I feel as if you don't have an idea. I think that's far too crazy, considering that out of all people I know that you must know what this is like.

I feel like a fool for letting this twist me up. About 2 days ago, I said I wouldn't hold back from telling you or anyone else antyhing anymore.."ever".

I'm trying, I really am. I'm repeatedly telling myself to just cry, I really am. I'm pointing out the negative to fix it to positive, I really am. I prayed, & I feel like praying again, I really do.


It's like, there is a portrait of myself hanging on my wall, my life. At this very moment, that portrait is uncolored; this year I plan on painting it beautifully.

Maybe, just maybe, it'll be worth something..

lovelovelove,

or whatever it is you call it.

juro, y juro, y sigo jurando.

cres que me doy por vencida?

ni lo pienses; eres lo mejor.

Zzz

I replace your name for what I really want to call you...



goodnight

after, a close from today after

So, there are still about 9 months left, but technically 10. It seems like forever from now to be honest, but if this past year went by so darn fast, why shouldn't this year?

I know that as a freshman I sat in the exact same spot that I've come to hate. That exact unfaithful area; off the point. The point is, this year, in just a month, I won't be there as a freshman. I'll be in my seat of tears, listening to the person who once warned us all how fast this would come. Only, this time I won't be the same. This time I won't be missing a complete semester, hell the whole year! Because I can't afford anymore lost time.

I feel so anxious, & really, dreaming about this feeling has been the only thing to make me smile these past few days. I really wouldn't say it's a feeling I'll have in a dream though, because when I dream of a feeling I wake up sad that it can't be reality. Instead, I wake up with a tad of desperation because I know that this will become reality.

It's a big year ahead of me! & I can't believe I'm already thinking about it when I'm practically 10 months away. That feeling though man, of going out there & thinking, "I did it", after working my ass off through my mistakes; I crave for it.

step by step.

I've been thinking, maybe I don't want you to think I'm capable of being happy. The truth is, I should be happy "with or without you", remember?

Today is day #6.
-Take the proper amount of time out?
-Find a way to express my emotions?
-Avoid over analysis?
-Seek closure?
-Accept my new reality?...without you?

I think I'm still stuck in stage 1.

November in early August?

"All these faces none the same
How can there be so many personalities
So many lifeless empty hands
So many hearts in great demand"

is there a problem?

I'm not even going to start off trying to sound poetic, or trying to phrase words in ways other can't understand.

I want to say things for me, so I can feel I let them out. Today I woke up not wanting to get up, not wanting to eat, not wanting to talk to anyone, but just wishing to be alone.

I promise I'm trying to keep my head up, more than ever, but without you I'm beginning to feel empty. I'm beginning to feel as if my feelings keep getting worse by the second, & it's frightening.

With every text, or with every phone call, I prepare myself to not break down. I never thought I'd be speaking of you this way.

Before I went to sleep last night, I asked myself if you my dear friend believed in God. I want to know if you're with him. She must be with him.

I know that all of you guys are having problems as well, meaning you have no strength to help me out this time. I'm sorry I can't be there for you guys either.

I feel as if this week has been my whole summer. I feel as if the past month went by to fast, & I want it back. Once a mistake has been made towards someone who can't afford anymore hurt, it's done.

I promised, if not you, then nobody else. No, not right now.

There is definately a problem.


I wish I had you.
I wish I knew if she was walking by Gods side.
I wish you guys didn't have to go through this.
I wish I would stop scaring myself.


I never really believe in miracles.
I never really believed wishing would change anything.

Always -182.

You know, that song? You have to.

"I've been here a few times",
but never with you.

"And your hands they shake the goodbyes;
And I'll take you back if you have me",
now it's the opposite, I miss you.

"And I'll miss your laugh, your smile",
that smile..

"I'll admit I'm wrong if you tell me",
memories?

"I'm so sick of fights, I hate them",
I'm sorry.

"Lets start this again, for real",
I ruined my chance.


Hold you, touch you, feel you, kiss you, taste you all night;

ifuckedup...right?

i killed my own self.

& i feel like dying

"im sittin' on the clouds I got smoke commin' out the seatsss"

!@#$%^&*

i really don't like to lie.

you make me happy, honest.

don't you quote me.

"Just because they can make you smile, dosen't mean they make it better. Just because you feel you're in love, dosen't mean you don't need anyone else..."

too slow!

I need a fast modernization.

To be completely honest, late I've been feeling angry for no reason; I feel like the person I once was. The clues that I've gathered all make sense, but I don't want them to. I mean, in a couple of months it'll be a year already that you can say I've been being guided the right way. I felt saved by Jesus Christ a couple of months ago, but now I feel far apart. I keep telling myself that I'll build that bond I had with him again, I always say "tomorrow", then there's another "tomorrow", and nothing. I know I can be trying harder.

That's reason number 1.

To be completely honest, it took more than the help of a best friend, or a sister, but of someone I once thought would always be there. Everything is gone, and I feel fine about it. Now it's the fact that I didn't get to say "thank you" enough. You can possibly say that's killing me. I'm a horrible person.

That's reason number 2.

To be completely honest, I hate the judgement, all of the misunderstanding, and all of the repitition. Everytime, it's the same thing. You feel invincible, it goes down to happiness, down to just being content, down to saying you're okay, until you reach denial. That denial tortures you.

That's reason number 3.

To be completely honest, I believe in books. Not so long ago I read a book that refers to a certain addiction as a "monster". It's against who I was before, but as I said, sometimes I feel like the person I once was. Well, at least I think I do. All of the sin in the world is tempting, but my honesty pushes it off.

That's reason number 4.

To be completely honest, someone can make you feel better than others, but no one can ever make you smile everytime. I once wrote, "Everyday I wake up with a certain roll. I wake up with the roll of the girl with the brilliant smile. Everytime I frown or cry, they all walk out of my performance. Everytime I smile, they applaud." My problem is my desire of hearing others applaud rather than have myself be happy with my own performance.

There are never enough reasons.

1985-2009:

RIP..

Time Out.

comming in-

to my space.
at least I can't complain there's solitude.

not here,
not outside,
or in there.

todaytodaytoday,

6/29/09.

finally! what was in front of me all along,
is here.

I haven't felt this happiness in a long time,
it seems strange;
but I don't want it to go away

6289

no rush, just relief.

Here's another feeling you might be familiar with. Do you know that feeling when you're scared to do something, but you know it's best in the long run? It feels so wrong to do it in the First place, until you finally have the guts to take the chance.

I do.

We'll see what happens tomorrow.

realization:

wakeup&reply!

*I wish I was in that same chair,
falling asleep in the best way possible;
a soothing piano, & everything is gone.
i mean.....gone.


I long for that piano now.

catastrophe, or me?

I don't know if you know that feeling where you have felt so happy, as if everything is perfect, everything is falling into place, then that feeling of your old self comes back.....& you're scared.


That's what happened.
I'm scared out of my mind.

She's been there,
she helped me,
I followed her,
is she leaving?

I can't beleive this happened.


I swore..

stop it!

no, no, NO!

tell me the truth, talk to me.

I need to know the truth, I need to know now.

Why can't I hear you?

Try to speak louder..

dakjv'ep;;

this is really happening,


isn't it?

at least i'm here.

humiliation?

face you?



I can't.

answer me.

What happens when you wake up in the morning, & begin to live as if all you've lost is still there?

When there's an entrance to your past, just in the corner of the closet?

Not even the sound of a piano can soothe me. I hear it, & it's hurting me.

My eyes are droopy, but I'm scared to sleep, only to dream of fixing my regrets.

I'm drowning, I sware.

I've never been more sorry,
I'm sorry.

It's meaningless.

i'mnothungry,

but thank you.



Mr.102307, you made me full; now I struggle to eat.

Darling, will you start me off with an appetizer?
I won't be having an entree soon.

Rjcl19, your faith in me always satisfies my thirst.
but I seem to overfill you with my serving.


I want dessert already;
am I needy.

beatings

the beatings in my head seem to get stronger.

goodORbad?

Note to self:

just breath.

Secretive sin;

This sin, this secret,
I wear it on my neck.

Why aren't you here?

I need you, I want you,
I've been told It's a sin.

I fear you parting.
I won't be parting.

Your aroma, that embrace;
drop me off on the next street if you must.

You've been engraved.

Your sin is a secret,
my sin is outspoken darling.

Treat me like a doll,
you will remain.

102307.

What gives you the right to instill that look of yours in my mind? You may have been the one to start my progression, but you should be gone in that manner.

Were you the one to be brutally honest with me, because you were actually concerned? No, I give thanks to that special teacher.

Were you the one to tell everyone not to ask any questions, nomatter the tears?
No, I give thanks to a real friend.

Were you the one to act like a complete idiot to bring me happiness?
No, I give thanks to an amazing sister.

Were you the one to accept me for me, and not want to change a thing?
No, I give thanks to my lovely lady.

Were you the one to love me unconditionally? To be there at 3 AM? To save me?

No, I thank the Lord.



102307, will remain as just another writting inspiration that came along..

Lover?

So, I love life now? Because things seem to be going so well, that I FIND something to make things seem wrong; Is that abnormal?

Because I still want to feel like a lover..

Then & Now,

It's been quite a transformation. From being an honor student & not having anyone but 1 true friend, to not even getting a C in a class, & having many fake friends. Going from new love, to new friend, to new drugs, & lower grades. From meeting 1 boy who completely flipped me inside out, he lied to me a "forever", but I'm glad he did. He made me crash, kept me down, then made me strong. Along came a sister, she must be like an angel or something, because I never would have got out of "then", and succeed into "now".

*Note: Then? Getting high, late night weekends, & those "friends".
Now? My new family, motivation, improvement, & God.

"I would be nothing, without you".

I haven't left you.

I was inspired, & I don't want this inspiration to go away.

A Christian brother shared his story. He reminded me of a lifestyle I was once addicted to. The one that I read in a book, the lifestyle of "the monster". When I lived this life, nothing matterd & God was the last thing on my mind. The Christian brother shared the process of finding God. It all happened in a matter of 2 years, in such little time. As for me, it took the help of a heartbreak, and 3 months to begin talking to God. Soon enough, he began listening, & I'm sure I felt the Holy Spirit one night.

Recently, I haven't been going to my youth group, but in my heart I still feel the same connection for God. I won't deny that I have drifted away from my prayers twice a day, but I plan on going back to speaking to God even more.

All it took was the story of a man who was a total stranger to me, & still is, to tell his life story & remind me of the way I was.

I'll never want to be that person again.

Prom day.

Finally, prom. Even with a night of friends, laughter, and dancing, something's not right. Are you rotting alone? Or is someone helping pull you down? "Have you ever had so many thoughts churning inside you that you didn’t dare let them escape in case they blew you wide open?".

This day was important;
I'll dance it all away through the moonlight.